i'm back and medicated

sorry it's been awhile. i was going through an unstable period, probably a relapse, another depressive episode or something, my meds were a bit of a mess, but my pdoc and i just settled on increasing my cymbalta. for awhile there i thought i had to go on a mood stabilizer, because i was so emotionally unstable, crying a lot, agitated, wanting to hurt myself, angry, anxious. i still have an underlying depression and high anxiety.

my cymbalta is considered nonformulary on my insurance list and costs me mega bucks. my pdoc had originally written the script for ninety 30mg caps. but my insurance wouldn't approve it, so he had to write two 30-day scripts for the 60mg caps and 30mg caps. totally sucked. if i talk to my pdoc about the cost, we might talk about switching meds or trying another combo. but i don't know if i want to make any changes because it is so damn hard finding the right meds. i've been on almost everything already, damn it. my pdoc thinks the cymbalta is working for me. on tuesday, he said i was in the best mood he's seen me in since he started working with me.

cymbalta is supposed to be activating, give you more energy. it did the first three days, when i was highly agitated, jumping around and screaming my head off. lol. my heart was beating fast and i had so much adrenaline. but i adjusted, and now i'm mostly feeling tired. like i'm not getting enough sleep. i'm always tired. i have also noticed that cymbalta continues to curb or suppress my appetite. i'm just not that hungry and when i do eat, i don't eat that much, which i suppose is a good thing, since i do need to lose more weight.

anyway, my pdoc also prescribed lunesta 3mg, since i'm developing a tolerance for ambien. takes me longer to fall asleep, i wake up 2-3 times a night, and wake up earlier, without fail, just short of 8 hours sleep. it's weird. ambien puts me to sleep, but when i wake up, i don't feel rested, and i don't feel like i've been asleep. it's like i didn't feel the time passing. maybe it's because i didn't dream all night. i like dreaming in my sleep. it makes sleep interesting. lol. the plan is to alternate between ambien and lunesta every other month to prevent tolerance. and my pdoc told me if i start taking ativan daily to give him a call asap. lol. my pdoc is a funny guy. he winked at me ;)

so here's my current med situation:

daily a.m. meds
cymbalta 90mg (60mg + 30mg)
diltiazem cd 120mg

prn's
ativan 1mg for anxiety (up to twice a day)
ambien 10mg for insomnia (odd months)
lunesta 3mg for insomnia (even months)

oprah

well, i have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. can't wait to see him. he's an easygoing fellow, rather good-looking, not as handsome as dr. rosse, but a genuinely cool guy. i realize i'm doing a lot better now than six months ago. i'm no longer on risperdal, thank god. it wasn't a bad drug, minimal side-effects, but it had consequences. stoned me out during the day if i took more than 1 mg, slowed down my thoughts, etc. also i was eating a whole lot more than i am now. i think the cymbalta has been working pretty well for me. i still have some anxiety, but god, i have lost weight. i lost 10 lbs since june.

i guess i am glad i am not bipolar. i don't think i'd like to take all the bipolar meds. i'm a writer and i value my creativity. i don't want to take any meds that might interfere with my writing process. i'm glad i'm only on one psychiatric medication, a common enough antidepressant. i do take ambien for sleep occasionally, and i have ativan for anxiety. but i don't think my anxiety is severe enough to justify taking ativan. also, i have found that anxiety can be managed. you feel like shit managing it, but you can do it. last night i was seriously thinking of taking ativan just so i could feel that chill down effect. but i didn't take it because i have a tendency to abuse substances, like i did with alcohol, and i know that i could go down the same path with ativan, and ambien for that matter. so i only take ambien when i really need to as well. i've only taken ambien once in the past two weeks.

i have however noticed that i'm having a problem with my sleep. although i stay in bed about 10 hours a night, i'm not getting restless sleep and usually feel tired and groggy in the morning. sometimes i feel irritable, anxious, and angry. i've been waking up around 10:30-11:00 and taking naps around 4pm. i stay up past midnight. i have so much junk on my mind. i dream more than i sleep, and i frequently wake up during the night from talking in my sleep. this morning, i woke up crying because i was dreaming of the time i was raped. that's the first time i've ever dreamt about it. i've got to stop watching law & order svu before i go to bed.

anyway, i'm feeling really tired during the day. i feel like i'm not getting good sleep. i'm having anxiety about eating again. this time, i'm eating less, restricting the amount and types of food i eat. so i guess you could say i'm on a diet. i just don't think i'm living healthily and i don't feel very healthy. i think it's because i'm feeling a lot of anxiety and need to control my life. i have a certain idea of how i want my life to be, and the only reason why i'm not more depressed or suicidal right now is because i'm obsessed with getting there. my goals in life now are to become financially independent so i can move out of my parents' house, i.e., get a job. i also want to complete my novel and get it published, and lose a lot of weight, like 40 lbs. i don't know how i'm going to lose 40 lbs, but i'll try. all i'm doing so far is eating less and taking walks. i know i'll probably have to do more eventually. when i get a job, maybe i'll join a women's health club.

i have this fantasy of one day being on oprah and talking about my book and how i got to where i am and where i came from in life, and i know this fantasy is all about seeking validation and fulfilling some of my unmet needs, and sometimes when i think of myself being on oprah, i smile and laugh. even though it's wishful thinking, it's got to be better than thinking of myself alone in a hotel room with a bottle of vodka and razor blades.

bad mood again damn it

well, i am in a bad mood again and don't feel like doing anything. i didn't sleep well last night. i slept but it didn't feel like it because i was sort of just drifing and not really sleeping although i did have a few dreams one of them with janet jackson and friends it was weird. who cares about janet jackson? lol. so my head feels like crap because i'm not getting my sleep. it is really weird. i go through days when all i do is sleep and then i go through days when i can't get enough restful sleep. i think i've got a lot of stuff on my mind. maybe that's it. i feel like cutting. i guess i've been thinking about cutting a lot lately. maybe that's it. i've got a writing deadline this week. maybe that's it. i don't want to go to the writers club board meeting tomorrow. i want to go to the depression and bipolar support group instead just to see what it's like. i need a job. i am stressing because i don't have a job and my parents are paying the bills and i know they don't want to pay my bills my whole life. i really want to be a writer so i won't have to work a day job anymore but i don't have anything published yet. i'm not anywhere i want to be i'm not doing what i want with my life now all i want to do is sleep. i feel like taking a sleeping pill. maybe i will tonight.

stable

whoa. i am freaking stable today. i have been stable for two or three days actually. my mood is normal. i feel like i should celebrate. weird. although i have been feeling like cutting the past couple days. so i read on wikipedia that chocolate can supposedly relieve feelings of depression by increasing serotonin. now that's a cure. a chocolate a day to make your si go away. lol. i have therapy at 1pm. i am too lazy to go. i still haven't taken a shower. ten minutes. i'll get out of bed in ten minutes. lol.

daniel

so apparently, anna nicole smith's son daniel died of a lethal combo of zoloft, lexapro, and methadone. what i want to know is why the hell was he taking two SSRIs? there's something called serotonin syndrome, which can be fatal, resulting from too much serotonin in your system. the reports say he died from an irregular heart beat caused by the combination of meds. that's sad. accidentally dying from your medication. i wonder just how much he had taken.

my mood is better now. after i blogged, i went back to sleep and woke up about three hours later. my mood i suppose is normal. i hope i can do some writing. i really need to write.

re: the t.o. story. if he took up to 30 painkillers, i dare say he was attempting to commit suicide.