swim

tuesday afternoon i bought some razor blades at the drugstore, but i didn't cut so yesterday i threw them away. i had told my therapist about them and i didn't want to spend all session on friday talking about them. she'd probably attempt to convince me to throw them away, etc., and talk about the pros and cons of keeping them and cutting and all that. i've felt like cutting a lot lately. i think i'm lonely. i don't feel a close connection with my current therapist. i haven't been working with her that long, only three weeks, so i guess i can't expect us to have a real connection yet. i don't know. therapy is okay but it doesn't feel "special" the way it felt with my previous therapists in the bay area. could it be because my needs are different now? or maybe i don't need as much therapy as i did before? well, i still think about killing myself. today i've had some pretty serious suicidal thoughts and fantasies. mostly about overdosing on my meds or jumping off a tall building. i have a stash of meds. i don't throw my meds away if i have extra. i save them. this afternoon i called the voice mails of my previous therapists and psychiatrist in the bay area. i miss them all. i'm lonely today. i think this is why i'm thinking self-harm and suicidal thoughts. i don't consider myself suicidal though. i'll know when i'm suicidal. i'll know when i'm having another major depressive episode. lately i've been feeling really disconnected. i didn't do too well in my interview yesterday. i had a hard time acting enthusiastic and positive about the job. i called a friend today but i couldn't think of what to say. my thoughts felt sluggish. and i've cut back on risperdal, so i don't know what is going on. and i went for a swim today. i'm trying to be active. i'm using the "opposite action" dbt skill so i won't think of killing and hurting myself and i won't feel the urges as much. but they come back. i feel so empty. sometimes i want to get a bottle of wine, drink it all, and forget about things. i want to take all my risperdal so i can just go to sleep. i fantasize about driving up north and renting a hotel room, cutting up my arms and overdosing on my meds and alcohol. sometimes i fantasize about driving up north and admitting myself to s. again with cuts all up and down my arms. i want to do my legs too. i feel sad and all alone. oh well. i don't know what i'm going to do tonight. i'm thinking of watching "bridget jones's diary" again or "grease" on dvd. i finally got my tv hooked up. i can watch reruns of "grey's anatomy" although it's on twice a week now. i can't wait until i see my psychiatrist next saturday. he's a bit difficult to talk to. but i feel like i have a lot to talk to him about. i wonder if i should try another therapist. i've seen three different therapists since i moved here in may. i don't know what i want out of therapy, but i do know i want someone i can talk to. someone who really gets me. i miss my dbt therapist so much.