cymbalta update

cymbalta has been okay so far. per my psychiatrist's instructions, i started on 30 mg. after the first week, on sunday, i will go up to 60 mg. the only side-effect i have noticed so far is increased sweating, especially at night when i'm sleeping. last night i woke up feeling really hot and sweaty. when i was on zoloft, i also experienced increased sweating but i didn't feel hot. i was just really drenched. on cymbalta, i feel hot and sweaty but not really drenched. i was on the maximum dose of zoloft, 200 mg, but the increased sweating at night was also the only side-effect i experienced on it. i switched to cymbalta from a combination of paxil and wellbutrin. i also used to be on a combination of zoloft maxed at 200 mg and wellbutrin at 300 mg. i actually liked the zoloft/wellbutrin combo. there were times when i'd feel a little high, giddy, etc. anyway, sometimes i feel a little paranoid about taking cymbalta. i heard that it can really work your liver. but i heard that about wellbutrin too. anyway i am not taking a heavy dose of cymbalta. 60 mg is supposed to be the therapeutic dose.

i don't know if i'm really truly majorly depressed. i don't feel that cloud of depression that usually signals a major depressive episode for me. maybe it's because i'm medicated. i don't know. i have been more stable though since i moved back home. i haven't had major suicidal ideation since may. and no cutting episodes since march. i do think about suicide and cutting almost everyday though. today i was late to work because i couldn't wake up on time. i was supposed to wake up at 6:30 but i stayed in bed until 7:00. then when i was at work i was in such a bad mood for most of the day. i didn't want to do anything. i was a bit agitated after lunchtime and had to force myself to calm down. i thought about dbt, and made myself use a skill, and drank some hot chocolate. it reminded me of the hospital again, because when i was hospitalized, i would make some hot chocolate from the kitchen or sometimes i would select it from the menu for breakfast. i can't stand my hair. it's too long again. i want to cut it off. instead i will go to the beauty salon tomorrow and get a haircut.

anyway, i don't know if cymbalta is going to help me feel better or not. i think my life sucks. and i'm not happy. and i don't know if an antidepressant is going to change the quality of my life. it's supposed to change the way i perceive life, but i don't know if it's possible. i've lived this way for a long time. my doctor told me i have 28 years or so of behavior to fix. i was in dbt to learn new coping skills but i don't have dbt anymore. sometimes i look in the mirror and hate the person i see. i am a poor human being. i'm only half alive and all i want to do is sleep. i guess i'm feeling depressed today. i wouldn't mind some ativan. lol.