pills

i told my therapist this morning about the stash of pills i am collecting, and she said she's going to call my psychiatrist to get him to cancel my refills of ativan and ambien. i am a bit pissed. after therapy, i went to the drug store and bought some razor blades. it's probably not a good idea to do any cutting. i probably won't. i don't know why i bought the razor blades. it was my fault for telling my therapist i am starting to build up a stash again. maybe i really don't want to kill myself and just want some attention. i am so tired today and have been fantasizing pretty strongly about suicide and going to the hospital again. i know it's my borderline issues coming up again. i think what my mom said really upset me because it brought up past stuff for me and made me think about the abuse and i felt all the guilt again about thinking of it as abuse. i want to move out of the house and wish i had enough money. i'm so screwed up. i'm going to try to do some writing today and see if that will help. it will suck if my therapist calls my psychiatrist and he decides he doesn't want me as a patient anymore because i'm chronically suicidal. maybe one day when i'm happy i'll stop feeling this way.