tired

i'm really tired today. i was late to work, and when i got there i couldn't stop thinking negatively. i had some seriously bad thoughts today, including quitting therapy. most of my thoughts were centered around going for a long drive back up to the bay area and renting a hotel room and committing suicide by overdosing on a whole lot of pills. i am starting to horde pills again. it's not good, but i'm doing it. i've got 2 more refills of ambien and 1 refill of lorazepam. i just hated work today. i made it through the day though, but in general felt like my life was meaningless and worthless. i know i'll end up being a worse person if i do commit suicide. my dbt therapist told me suicide ruins lives. and i fantasized about cutting myself again. i just want to do it. i've been so good. i want to get away, take a vacation from this place, and go off on my own and cut and then swallow a whole bunch of pills and a couple bottles of alcohol and curl up in bed and go to sleep. i thought about going to the hospital again and being in a safe place there and feeling cared for and cared about. i don't know if i'm depressed or it's just the borderline me acting out. i'm so tired. i feel shaky, exhausted. i just want to lie down and close my eyes. could it be the cymbalta? i don't know. i had a fantasy about seeing my former therapists up north one last time before i die, saying goodbye or something, and going back to the hospital one last time too. i'm so weird. i would feel sorry for my parents. they do their best. anyway, maybe i'll feel better tomorrow.