cutting back

i've decided to cut back on paxil to 12.5 mg and left a message for my psychiatrist telling him that the increase of the paxil hasn't helped much and i'm still feeling sleepy and tired and yawning a lot. i don't like the way i feel. i hope he doesn't get mad at me for cutting back without getting his permission first. but i am an adult. lol. i just hope i don't piss him off enough that he'll want to drop me as a patient. i don't like screwing around with meds, but i really can't stand the way i feel. if i knew my psychiatrist better i'd probably feel more comfortable making changes, but i feel as if i hardly know him. i only see him once a month. i don't know how my depression is going. i don't know if i'm still depressed. i do know that i'm less depressed than i was three months ago, and i'm taking way less meds for depression. i used to be on a combination of 200 mg of zoloft and 300 mg of wellbutrin. now i'm just down to 100 mg of wellbutrin and the paxil. so i have to think i'm doing better. i'm still not quite motivated and i think of death and dying and suicide and cutting almost everyday. i still think of s. a whole lot. i still generally feel hopeless about my situation. but at least i'm not actively pursuing suicide or cutting or making any plans. and i'm not crying every day i'm in therapy. the crying has improved a lot. i haven't cried in awhile. i used to cry all the time in therapy. i had so much worry and anxiety. well, i think i am nervous about starting work tomorrow. i feel sick. sick to my stomach and just overall not right.

friends

this morning two of my friends from the bay area called me! they woke me up. then i went right back to sleep. lol. i was glad they called. it was nice chatting with them again. jeff is still having problems with his sleep and not having energy to do things. his psychiatrist decreased one of his sleeping meds, but he's still feeling sleepy and wiped out during the day. he's also been feeling sick to his stomach these past few weeks so his psychiatrist told him to get his liver checked. i hope there's nothing going on with that. donna finally got her steroid treatment for fatigue. so she was a bundle of energy this morning and went out of the house with her dogs. she got her steroid treatment late because she recently switched insurance after she finally got hired permanently at her job. however, she also just found out that the company that bought the company where she now works is going to keep the company for probably 1-2 years, so she thinks she'll have to look for another job in a couple of years. but she's been able to save up and she's going to keep saving up in case she has to move apartments or get another car if her car breaks down. she's doing good taking care of herself. she doesn't feel happy but says the zoloft keeps her from feeling depressed.

this morning i skipped my dose of paxil. i'm going to take it at night instead. i think i'm a bit overmedicated actually. i'm not on a lot of paxil, but i think i'm on more than i need to be. i don't think i'm in any danger of relapsing or having another major depressive episode. i feel well mentally. i think the increase was a little too much. i wonder if i should take the 12.5 mg instead of the 25 mg. i want to take less because i really don't like the feeling of being medicated and sleepy during the day. i have a hard time getting out of the house as it is. all i want to do nowadays is stay in bed and sleep. i'm so unmotivated.

my parents are out of town today, so i have the whole house to myself. i don't have any plans today except to fill up my tank and go to the bank and get something to eat. other than that i am just going to chill. yay! lol.

no changes still sleepy

well, i've been taking 25 mg of paxil for about a week now and have not noticed any changes. i'm still feeling sleepy and tired during the day. i'm still waking up late. i don't have much energy. all i want to do is sleep. sometimes i wake up, get out of bed, check my email, take a shower, etc., then take a nap. maybe i feel like i have nothing to look forward to. i don't know. i have to get my sleep cycle on track because i start work on monday and i have to learn how to wake up early again. i'll have to get used to working five days a week, eight hours a day. i haven't had a regular full-time job since 2002. i did work three weeks last year but quit the job due to depression and anxiety. i had a hard time holding down jobs last year. the depression led me to be hospitalized, etc. and since then i haven't had a steady job. in fact, i've quit jobs on the spot from panic. this new job is going to be a challenge for me. i hope i'll be able to handle the stress and work hours and not be too physically exhausted and worn out. i'm sure the first couple weeks will be a struggle because i haven't done this much work in awhile. but i've done work even though i was medicated. i worked at target for three days in april, and i was on 2 mg of risperdal at the time. although i was on a higher dose of wellbutrin. i can't figure out if the paxil is making me sleepy during the day. i felt a little bit more in charge of my life and my decisions when i was living on my own. now that i've moved back home, i feel less motivated. well, the only thing motivating me is the hope that i'll be able to live on my own again someday. it just seems so far away. i won't make enough money at the county to get my own place. i'm in so much debt from grad school. oh well. i guess i take it one day at a time.

so for now my medication regime looks like this:

paxil cr 25 mg
wellbutrin sr 100 mg

i also take diltiazem cd 120 mg for my heart arrhythmia.

i talked to my therapist today about my mom, who has been making comments about therapy and my medications. basically, my mom wanted to know what i was doing today and i told her i had an appointment for therapy. then she said that she didn't think i needed to see a therapist twice a week because it was a waste of money and she didn't think i needed therapy anymore because i was doing okay. my mom also said the other day that she didn't think i should take my heart medication anymore and wanted to know how long i was going to be on my antidepressants because she said there are all kinds of side-effects and they could damage my organs and she doesn't want me to be on meds all my life. but what if i have to be on meds all my life? and what if i feel like i need therapy for awhile, maybe all my life, for however long i'll be here because i don't know how much longer i want to be here anyway. anyway, my therapist told me i should stand up for myself and just tell my mom thanks for your concern but i don't agree. i don't see what difference it will make. my mom is still going to say what she wants. my therapist said i had to do it for me. but i have in the past and it doesn't make me feel any better. maybe my therapist is trying to motivate me to be more assertive and feel more like an adult even though i live at home. i feel trapped. i'm not where i want to be. this isn't the life i wanted. but it's what i got and i chose it. i can't blame anyone but me. although my therapist tells me that i can't blame myself, because it wasn't my fault i got sick.

increasing paxil

i saw my psychiatrist today and told him i stopped taking the risperdal. he was okay with it. he wants me down to just one medication. right now i'm taking paxil and wellbutrin. i think he wants to cut out the wellbutrin eventually. but he's still trying to find the right medication for me. if the paxil doesn't work, he's thinking of something else like zoloft or cymbalta. i told him that i've been feeling a lot sleepier lately and sleeping in. he said we had a couple options but he wanted to try increasing the paxil to see if that gave me more energy. if it made me feel more sleepy, then we'd have to try something else. i feel really tired today and sleepy. i went to my psych appointment at 10:30, came home, lay in bed and took another nap, got out of bed around 1:00. anyway...

regarding exercise, i want to go to the gym more, but it's hard to motivate myself to go. last weekend, i went swimming. yesterday, i took a walk at the beach, put my feet in the water, listened to the waves. i was practicing mindfulness.

my new job is full-time. i haven't worked a permanent full-time job in a few years. i've done some temp work in the past year, but nothing long-term. so i am kind of nervous about the whole thing. i don't want to screw up.

today i'm going to a baby shower for my cousin. i don't know why i feel so tired and sleepy. i actually don't know if i want to go up on the paxil. i feel rather medicated.

i got a job and now i'm stressing

had therapy again, but didn't feel too happy about it. i was lonely. i missed everyone up north. my after care groups. my dbt skills group. my dbt therapist. my psychiatrist. my friends. felt all alone. i found out yesterday i got the county job. i'm supposed to start on the 31st. my mom wants me to go back on the south beach diet so we're starting on sunday. i feel rather overwhelmed. i don't feel like i have much support around here. everything seems hard to do. i feel fat. i'm oversleeping. i feel tired. i'm scared about starting a new job. i don't know if i'm ready. i'm afraid i'll be overwhelmed. i'll panic. i'll quit on the spot. or i have another depressive episode from the stress of the job. i'll start feeling suicidal and end up in the hospital again. i haven't started the job and i'm already stressing. i'm stressing about going back on the diet. i'm stressing about having to make decisions about what kind of food to eat, what i'm going to wear to work. i'll have to practice getting up early and making myself get up at 6:30 every morning. i get tired just thinking about all the things i have to do. i still don't know how my therapy is working out. sometimes i don't feel connected to my therapist. she's nice but i feel like sometimes she doesn't get me. today it felt like she cut our session short. i guess it was maybe because i wasn't talking much. i was really closed in. i didn't want to open up. i was in my own world. all i want to do is lay in bed and avoid things. sometimes i fantasize about going back to s. again. i threw away all my zoloft, but i didn't throw away my risperdal or prn's. i have some ambien and klonopin. i also have three tabs of depakote. i keep that stuff because they make me sleepy. i'm supposed to tell my psychiatrist about my little stash. lol. i kind of wish i had a closer relationship with my therapist and my psychiatrist around here. i worked really well with my last dbt therapist and psychiatrist up north. i miss them a lot. everything is so strange and unfamiliar here. i only see my psychiatrist once every 4-5 weeks. and i can't call my therapist for coaching. i miss the phone calls. i miss having someone there for support. i was sad today in therapy. i feel all alone.

sleep

all i seem to want to do is sleep. i didn't get out of bed today until 11:30 a.m. i went to the library to do my volunteer job even though i didn't feel like going. i am thinking about going on the south beach diet again. i don't know why but it seems too hard this time. everything seems hard to do. i think about suicide almost everyday. i don't think i want to do it right now, but i contemplate it. sometimes i think about threatening to commit suicide so i can go back to the hospital again. sometimes i feel like i just want to be drugged out of my mind and sleep all day. i feel like i want to avoid reality and responsibility, but i know i shouldn't. i have to start waking up at a decent time and being more active and getting out of the house more. i only get out to do my volunteer job and go to therapy and my psych appointments. i should do more, make myself be more active. i should have more of a schedule. i should exercise. i should get a job. my dad wants me to take accounting classes. i think i'm going to sign up for intro to accounting at the community college. as far as my writing, it hasn't been coming along very well. writing should be fun. but lately it's just been frustrating. i miss having a support group and skills group. it's too bad i don't have the same kind of support around here. i miss the bay area. again.

stash

my therapist wants me to flush my stock of extra meds, i.e. the ones i'm not using. i've been stashing them. i don't have much but i like to keep them just in case. i don't want to flush them. it takes awhile to build up a stash. she said if i don't flush them by friday she's going to call my psychiatrist. i'm really not suicidal. i just like to have them around. i'm feeling really lame, unenthusiastic. i don't feel creative. i'm having trouble writing again. i don't feel interested in doing much of anything. i wonder if i should go off meds altogether because i don't feel passionate or lively about anything. i feel emotionless, uninvolved, uninterested. i feel like my life is meaningless. but i gotta say, at least i'm not in lebanon right now. the news is just depressing.

stop

i don't know why, but i got my period twice this month. that is perhaps too much info. oh well. i am so frustrated because i haven't been able to write. i have spent the past few hours staring at my computer screen, typing words and sentences trying to make meaning but being unsuccessful. i feel like i have no creativity. i feel like i have no meaning in my life. i have been complaining all week. i hate it when i feel sorry for myself. i feel so disconnected from my surroundings, from my life, from my emotions. i can't feel anything. there's no passion or energy in my writing. it's lifeless. i don't know if my meds having anything to do with the way i feel. or if it's depression. the borderline in me. i don't know. but i know for a fact right now i am not living a full life. i went swimming yesterday to try to make myself feel better, but i could barely sense the rhythm of the water, the lapping waves, the weightless sensation. i kept trying to put myself in the moment fully, to participate, but it felt like the water was so far away, like my emotions were far away. i wonder if it's the paxil. i felt numb and disconnected in my interview on friday as well. i wonder if i'll ever be able to write again. people used to say i had potential. instead i feel like i've lived as much of life as i can already. i feel as if there's nothing much left for me. god, i'm morbid today. i've been this way for the past few days. this needs to stop.

swim

tuesday afternoon i bought some razor blades at the drugstore, but i didn't cut so yesterday i threw them away. i had told my therapist about them and i didn't want to spend all session on friday talking about them. she'd probably attempt to convince me to throw them away, etc., and talk about the pros and cons of keeping them and cutting and all that. i've felt like cutting a lot lately. i think i'm lonely. i don't feel a close connection with my current therapist. i haven't been working with her that long, only three weeks, so i guess i can't expect us to have a real connection yet. i don't know. therapy is okay but it doesn't feel "special" the way it felt with my previous therapists in the bay area. could it be because my needs are different now? or maybe i don't need as much therapy as i did before? well, i still think about killing myself. today i've had some pretty serious suicidal thoughts and fantasies. mostly about overdosing on my meds or jumping off a tall building. i have a stash of meds. i don't throw my meds away if i have extra. i save them. this afternoon i called the voice mails of my previous therapists and psychiatrist in the bay area. i miss them all. i'm lonely today. i think this is why i'm thinking self-harm and suicidal thoughts. i don't consider myself suicidal though. i'll know when i'm suicidal. i'll know when i'm having another major depressive episode. lately i've been feeling really disconnected. i didn't do too well in my interview yesterday. i had a hard time acting enthusiastic and positive about the job. i called a friend today but i couldn't think of what to say. my thoughts felt sluggish. and i've cut back on risperdal, so i don't know what is going on. and i went for a swim today. i'm trying to be active. i'm using the "opposite action" dbt skill so i won't think of killing and hurting myself and i won't feel the urges as much. but they come back. i feel so empty. sometimes i want to get a bottle of wine, drink it all, and forget about things. i want to take all my risperdal so i can just go to sleep. i fantasize about driving up north and renting a hotel room, cutting up my arms and overdosing on my meds and alcohol. sometimes i fantasize about driving up north and admitting myself to s. again with cuts all up and down my arms. i want to do my legs too. i feel sad and all alone. oh well. i don't know what i'm going to do tonight. i'm thinking of watching "bridget jones's diary" again or "grease" on dvd. i finally got my tv hooked up. i can watch reruns of "grey's anatomy" although it's on twice a week now. i can't wait until i see my psychiatrist next saturday. he's a bit difficult to talk to. but i feel like i have a lot to talk to him about. i wonder if i should try another therapist. i've seen three different therapists since i moved here in may. i don't know what i want out of therapy, but i do know i want someone i can talk to. someone who really gets me. i miss my dbt therapist so much.

fight

i'm cutting back on the risperdal. i didn't get the job i interviewed for last thursday. i have another interview tomorrow. lately i've been feeling tired and wiped out during the day. risperdal does tend to give you a stoned out feeling. i want to feel more alert and energetic. i've got to fight to take my life back. i can't be so passive about my recovery. i've been doing well since i moved back home. i haven't had any serious suicidal thoughts since may. i haven't had an episode of severe suicidal ideation since april. i haven't done any cutting since march. except for the one episode that landed me in emergency psychiatric services (eps) for nine hours, i haven't been in the hospital since december. eps is like an er not a hospital. so i count eps out. i started this blog because i didn't have anyone to talk to about eps, and i really wanted to talk about it. i've been blogging here steadily for the past three months. so i guess i've gotten a bit better. last night i cried though. it was kind of hard seeing my brother last weekend. he reminded me of all the things i left behind in the bay area. he's doing so well with his job up north, and i am a bit jealous that i wasn't able to do as well. i feel like such a failure. i guess i just felt sorry for myself because i'm not doing as well as i should. i don't have a career. i'm in so much debt. my writing is crap. i haven't gotten published. i guess i just need to work harder. last night i didn't do much writing. i was so tired. i haven't talked to my psychiatrist about tapering off risperdal. i left a message for him two days ago but he hasn't called me back. oh well. when i see him next i will just explain that i don't want to feel like a mental patient anymore. i don't want to feel fogged up during the day. i want to be more lively. i want to be up and fighting.

sleep

i want to get off risperdal. lately, all i want to do is sleep. it must be depression. i feel kind of frustrated. my life sucks, etc. yet i don't seem to want to do much of anything to make it better. i live a meager life. last weekend, i went to my cousin's wedding but i wasn't really present. i didn't "throw myself in," a dbt skill meaning to participate fully. i wasn't enthused about being there. i didn't feel like mingling. i felt totally self-conscious. it felt weird being in a social situation around normal people. i felt so different. i felt disoriented. i miss my dbt skills group because i was around people i felt normal with. around people who really understood what i was going through. last night, i called my friend jeff because i needed to talk to someone who shared my experience. i can talk to jeff about meds and therapy and depression and what it feels like to not be normal around normal people. when you're in public, there's more pressure to act a certain way to be a certain type of person. but i couldn't be that way. i haven't been my usual self in a long time. maybe this is all i am now. at least, i'm writing. i've been working on my novel about the psych ward again. it's told in little scenes that can stand alone but are interconnected. it's all i feel like writing right now. maybe i'll try some other stuff later, but this is what i've got. i have to go to my volunteer job soon. i don't feel like going. all i want to do is stay in bed. oh well.

treading water

dear eclipse, thanks for the positive feedback. i feel like i'm out in the ocean treading water and trying not to drown. -kb

had another session with my therapist. we talked about my goals and came up with some new ones. she suggested i write something everyday because i don't have a writing practice. meaning i will spend hours staring at the computer because i can't think of the right words. she suggested i write an hour a day about whatever so i get in the habit of writing, instead of trying to write a short story or novel revision in one sitting. that sounds like a good idea. i honestly feel that if i can get my writing on track my life will improve. there's nothing else i want to do with my life but be a writer. that's the kind of living i want. everything else just pays the bills. i don't have a career. and i'm currently jobless. i take what i can get.

my heart has been beating really weird lately. it feels like it's skipping beats. i can feel it beating and get a bit lightheaded. it's uncomfortable. it goes on like this for hours, mostly in the late afternoon and evening. i don't know what is causing it. my psychiatrist told me that the paxil doesn't cause palpitations and won't be bad for my heart, but i have been feeling these weird beats ever since i started it. i also read in the leaflet that i got at the pharmacy with my prescription that paxil has a possible drug interaction with risperidone. so i don't know if the weird beats is because of the combination of meds that i'm on. i am a bit paranoid about my medications, but meds are some serious stuff. and i've heard that people don't really know for sure how they work.

oh well. it's another day. btw, my interview yesterday went pretty well. i just might have gotten the job. i don't think i'll know until next week though.

missile launches

went to therapy today. not sure what i want to do. my therapist seems to think that i should have as a goal to move back to the bay area. but i don't know if it's a realistic goal. i don't think i can afford it. maybe someday i will be able to but not in the near future. so for homework she told me to make a list of my short-term goals for the next month. i suppose i can do that. it seems like a hard thing to do. after therapy i was thinking of going to the gym, but instead i drove over there and kept on driving. i just didn't feel like going. it is one of those things i have to force myself to do. today i didn't feel like fighting. the missile launches in n. korea are upsetting. i feel like i should be working on my writing. i think as one of my goals i should finish a chapter of my novel or complete a draft of a short story. another goal should be go to the gym at least once a week. take my meds as prescribed. go to therapy. build mastery by applying for jobs, or if i get the county job, by going to work and not quitting. figure out what i want to accomplish in therapy and what i want to do with my life. i think figuring out what i want to do with my life is a big thing. i don't think i can do it in a month. but how about work on figuring out what i want to do with my life. i should do more writing. i don't think my therapist understands dbt. i don't know how i feel about my therapist. dissatisfied maybe. i guess i just don't feel real connected to her yet. i don't feel connected with any of my providers here in the area. especially my psychiatrist. i don't know if i should look for another therapist. the fact that i'm even thinking of it makes me wonder. i'm so damn indecisive. i've been thinking of cutting a lot. i feel like cutting, but i don't do it. i guess that's a good thing. sometimes i wonder if i really want to get better. i must be unhappy with my life. i must want something to change since i'm in therapy and getting medication. i must want to get better, feel better. i must want to be helped. or i'm looking for someone to rescue me. maybe i just want someone to talk to.

my negative outlook

life is depressing. i owe $80,000 on my student loans. i owe $12,000 on my credit cards. i don't have a job. i live at home. i had to leave the bay area, my dbt therapist and dbt skills group because i couldn't afford to live on my own. i had to move out of my apartment. i had to leave my home. now i live with my parents. i am 32 years old and i have no career. i don't know what to do with my life. i just want a job i can live by. i want to get my own apartment. i wish i could move back to the bay area. i feel like such a failure. i feel sorry for myself. i know that feeling sorry for myself is an ineffective coping skill. i should say i could be in a worse situation. i could be homeless. i should be grateful and count my blessings. antidepressants don't change a person's attitude. times like these, i feel hopeless. i miss the bay area. i miss my skills group. i miss my dbt therapist. i miss my old psychiatrist. i miss my old apartment. i miss my old neighborhood. i miss my old life. i regret not being able to hold down a job. i regret not working on my skills. i regret missing out on my opportunities and not taking advantage of the good things i had. i wish i were a better writer. i have such a negative outlook on life. i am overweight. i don't know how to dress. i have trouble finding the right clothes that will fit me because of my size and weight. i am ruining my life. one day, i'll probably do it. end it all. four years from october i can buy another gun. maybe i really will do it then.