stable

whoa. i am freaking stable today. i have been stable for two or three days actually. my mood is normal. i feel like i should celebrate. weird. although i have been feeling like cutting the past couple days. so i read on wikipedia that chocolate can supposedly relieve feelings of depression by increasing serotonin. now that's a cure. a chocolate a day to make your si go away. lol. i have therapy at 1pm. i am too lazy to go. i still haven't taken a shower. ten minutes. i'll get out of bed in ten minutes. lol.

daniel

so apparently, anna nicole smith's son daniel died of a lethal combo of zoloft, lexapro, and methadone. what i want to know is why the hell was he taking two SSRIs? there's something called serotonin syndrome, which can be fatal, resulting from too much serotonin in your system. the reports say he died from an irregular heart beat caused by the combination of meds. that's sad. accidentally dying from your medication. i wonder just how much he had taken.

my mood is better now. after i blogged, i went back to sleep and woke up about three hours later. my mood i suppose is normal. i hope i can do some writing. i really need to write.

re: the t.o. story. if he took up to 30 painkillers, i dare say he was attempting to commit suicide.

words

i can't go back to sleep. i woke up at quarter to 5:00 because i had an idea. i was thinking of words, like "i began to recover memories in my first year of grad school" and "before the anger and the tears and the yelling, there was fear, there was pain, there was longing: longing for emotional support, nurturance, and comfort, and to be physically held" and "my first psychotherapist was gifted. he was young, had less than ten years of private practice under his belt, but he had a way with words, a sensitivity to their mixed messages, an ear for their hidden meanings, an empathic understanding of their depths." i'm brilliant. i started thinking of writing a play. last month, around this time, i was convinced i ought to get a phd. i need to slow my thoughts down. yesterday, i was feeling normal. completely normal. asymptomatic. i didn't feel depressed. it felt like my mind was clear of the cluttered thinking that goes on when you're depressed. i was like, wow, i feel normal. my head feels light. i guess exercise does help. lol. i've been walking these past couple of days, walking to the part, feeling the breeze. it's been wonderful. i didn't feel any of the burden of the past, the obsessive need to understand the trauma, the unrelenting flashbacks. i didn't feel the overwhelm of borderline emotions. because emotions are what being borderline is all about. borderline emotions tend to overwhelm thinking, but yesterday i was feeling all clear. calm. nonborderline. nondepressive. normal. i thought, this is too good to last, and it appears i was right. i can't go back to sleep. the marked difference between my mood yesterday and my mood now is that i'm thinking in my head, i can hear my damn thoughts, i am talking to myself, i feel a whole lot of adrenaline, i am freaking angry, i am saying fuck a lot in my head, i want to break things and throw things, i need to calm down. i want to go back to sleep but i can't. i have an interview at 2:05 this afternoon. i don't know if i want this job. it's a damn data entry position. how freaking fun is that. but i need a job. i need to do some writing. i have a deadline for my writing group coming up. i want to submit something. the past two weeks i haven't been able to write crap. it's like i just can't think of the words. writing is so damn hard. i think it's because the character i want to write about is hard to hear. unlike some of my other characters, regina's words are slow, cautious, fearful. juno is full of energy, passionate, emotive. regina is quiet, scared, reserved. she's not in touch with her feelings. she's very angry however, but doesn't show it. she holds her feelings back. she doesn't understand herself. it so frustrates me that i can't find the words for regina. i've already written her novel, but the first draft is so bad. well, it's not that bad, but it's definitely not good enough. the ending is abrupt and disjointed. the language is stiff and painstakingly deliberate. it needs to be loose and free. it needs to sing. regina's story is a very important one. and i have to make sure i tell it well. anyway, i'm going to stop blogging now. i feel like i could go on and on just freewriting whatever's on my mind. oh well.

back to m

i think i'm going back to my therapist maureen. the search has not been going too well, and i have been pretty stable with her. this guy i saw today took one look at the word borderline and decided he didn't want anything to do with me. lol. i am having serious anxiety thinking that my writing group doesn't like me. i took another sleeping pill last night. i need to do something about my sleep. it is just not regular right now. anyway, it is the season premiere of grey's anatomy tonight. i can't wait!

unrealistic

i'm okay. well, i feel a little crappy. my moods have gone up and down all day. depressed, normal, depressed, depressed. i don't know why i'm like this. so i quit my therapist, and i tried out a new guy on monday, but i'm not sure about him. so i'm going to see someone else tomorrow. i saw a new psychiatrist on monday as well. he's cool, but said that the reason i've changed therapists so often is because i have unrealistic expectations. anyway he is having me keep a mood tracker which he will review the next time we meet. i really don't think there's much else that can be done about my meds. and part of me doesn't care. cymbalta is okay. i'm not all that happy. maybe i'm not living up to my potential. but all i care about is writing. i can work a day job on the side, as long as it doesn't stress me out too much or depress me, fine, i'll do it. as long as there isn't too much bullshit, i can handle it. why do i have to do anything special? i feel like knocking myself out tonight with a sleeping pill. i hate my life. it's not so bad really. i always have food even though sometimes i couldn't care less. i still eat. anyway, i'm going to see if i can get some writing done tonight.

freaking out

i am so freaking pissed at my parents. they told me i should stop seeing a psychiatrist and going to therapy and that i should try to get better on my own. my mom said, "you can control it." my dad said he didn't believe in psychiatry. this from two people who think that my mom can heal people by waving her hands around in the air. my mom does something called healing touch. she even has a certificate and is qualified to teach this thing. i am so freaking angry i want to throw things. i want to take an ativan. i want to swallow a whole bunch of pills and just go to sleep. last night i had to take an ambien to go to sleep because i couldn't stop thinking. i was really stressed. i am freaking stressed right now again. i hate not having a job. it stresses me out because i don't want my parents to start complaining and telling me what to do. they already tell me i need to lose weight, exercise, quit therapy, don't eat rice, eat salad, get a professional job, apply for federal jobs, blah blah blah. oh and my mom's big thing, dress smart, dress to impress, etc. fuck. i am so fucking pissed. i have no one to talk to. i have no friends. i would die if i didn't have anyone to talk to. i need to have someone supportive to talk to, someone who's on my side, someone who will listen to me and be on my side. not someone who is going to order me around and make me feel bad.

and to top it off, one of my old friends has been emailing me from the middle east where he's on temporary duty. he's in the military. we used to be close in high school and sort of had this thing for each other but never got together due to who knows why. well, now he is married and sometimes we wonder what would have happened if. anyway, he emailed me today and told me he is going drinking to blow off some steam and that he hasan't gone drinking in two years because he realized he has a drinking problem and now he is kind of worried he might relapse. well, if he has a drinking problem, he shouldn't drink at all. it is very concerning. i don't want to worry about him because i have all my own crap to worry about. the rape story has been coming up again. it came up in therapy last week and i didn't want to talk about it but my therapist kept prodding me and i really didn't like it. that was probably one of the reasons i decided to switch therapists for once and for all. and then this got me thinking of my old friend because he's from that time when these things happened, so i emailed him, and he emails me back, and suddenly i'm writing to him about it all over again, and i'm having flashbacks and stupid shit. i want to close myself off from all of this. but i can't. i started revising my novel again, the novel about the rape and the drinking and the boys and my mother being mean and not having anyone to talk to about anything back then.

i am screwed up for a lot of reasons and i can't go back to when i used to cover things up like nothing happened, not when i've done this much therapy, not when i've pulled the lid off. my last therapist was just going way too fast for me. she wasn't delicate about my feelings at all. and she assumed all kinds of things about me. i don't think she knew me very well, but she acted as if she thought she did.

anyway, i hope i start making money again soon. i want to get out of my parents' house. i'm working hard on my writing. i seriously want to make a living as a writing. i did something i shouldn't have done today. i called the pharmacy to have my refill of ativan processed. i still have a whole bottle of ativan. i am stocking up on my meds. i don't know why. i really shouldn't be doing these things.

new seasons is a no go :(

well, i quit my therapist. i guess i should look for another one. i don't know if i want to though. she suggested i go with a psychologist instead. i was thinking of that too. (she was an mft.) i don't know. i feel like all i need right now is a job. i don't know what i want to work on in therapy anymore, except just have someone to talk to. i don't know what therapy is all about anymore. oh and i found out that place new seasons doesn't provide outpatient dbt therapy unless you've paid for the whole package, which means you have to be in their treatment program. that totally sucks. why can't the therapists do dbt in their private practices? i feel like i'm being denied a service because i'm not rich enough. it's crap.

dbt at new seasons?

i found a place around here called new seasons that might do dialectical behavior therapy. i'm going to call them first thing tomorrow. i'm kind of excited. i'm looking forward to waking up in the morning. i emailed my dbt therapist up north. i've been thinking about her and missing her again. i'm hoping for good news tomorrow.

anniversary

today, september 14th, 2006, is the one year anniversary of my first psych hospitalization. i thought i would want to write about it, but strangely enough, i don't. actually, i'm working on some other writing projects that are more important to me at the moment. and also, i've done so much writing about it already i feel as if i've probably exhausted the subject. i'm sure we all have our psych ward stories.

anyway, i'm planning to work on my CV. i want to try to get a university job teaching creative writing. i'm going to try to get more involved in the writers club in my area. maybe i can lead a writing workshop. i know it would take up my time, but i think i need the experience. and do more writing so i can get published. i have to get letters from my creative writing profs and things like that, which might be a bit difficult. i think that's the next step.

regarding therapy, i feel like quitting, or leaving my current therapist for a new one. i don't know. the whole therapeutic relationship feels weird to me now. i am very very uncomfortable about it. i think i would work better with a male therapist. or maybe it's just time for me to move on and build relationships with people and friends outside of therapy.

i feel like i still want to be a part of the mental health community though. i mean i want to be part of a support network, give support as well as receive it. maybe i'll join a support group. i'll see.

last night, i met with my writing group. we critiqued manuscripts, etc. it was fun for me, although i did have a bit of anxiety because i didn't feel like i was articulating my thoughts very well. i definitely need to get out more, socialize, and read more too. my vocabulary stinks. lol.

ruminating

not doing too great. was really creative last week. started a new writing project. but this week having trouble getting restful sleep. waking up a lot during the night. keep thinking. ruminating. circular thoughts. memories. feelings. hearing dialogue in my head. book evolving. i need to put my thoughts down. isolating again. i don't have anyone to hang out with. have only one friend in town, haven't called her, don't want to hang out with her, just want to stay home. except now, staying home is kind of depressing. i will have to keep working, going out, although work is stressful. have to find the right kind of job. before i left the bay area, my therapist and psychiatrist were thinking of putting me in a residential program. i wish i could have gone. i think i could have benefited from it. i have some serious cognitive distortions that i need to fix. i don't feel like i'm getting the right kind of treatment as an outpatient. the right kind of talk therapy, the right kind of therapy. i wish i could stay longer in a therapeutic environment. i hate outpatient programs. i wish i could stay in the hospital and work 1:1 with a psychiatrist for longer than the fifteen days i was first hospitalized. i wish i could work with the psychiatrist i saw when i was hospitalized. sometimes he was the first person i talked to when i woke up in the morning. sometimes he would come to my room and wake me up to check in with me. i wish he could always be the first person i talk to in the morning when i wake up. i should have told him how i felt, expressed my feelings to him. it would have helped me to talk to him about how i felt. but i stuffed my feelings. i didn't know how to express myself. and now all i do is think about him. i could have benefited from a longer stay in the hospital so i could work out my attachment issues, self-esteem, thought and behavioral patterns. i might have to look for another therapist as well, someone who can do intensive analysis with me to help me change the way i think and behave. i know it starts with me first. yesterday i tried. i took a walk. i hadn't done that in awhile. but i didn't go more than a mile away from the house. now i am feeling depressed again. and i made one cut on my thigh. one-inch long with a razor blade. i really want to cut up my arms, but i don't because i live at home and my parents would trip and give me a hard time. i'm more afraid of my parents than anything else i guess. i wish i could move out. i'm also starting to worry about money again and how i'm going to pay my bills because i owe sallie mae $260 or so and i have to pay for my health insurance and credit card and car insurance. crap. my cell phone bill too. i have no income now since i'm unemployed. i will have to ask my parents for money again. i hate doing that. i am in a black mood. i need to get some rest.

unemployed

well, my therapist did not tell on me to my psychiatrist. lol. i am thinking of switching psychiatrists anyway. i want someone younger, and someone who might actually listen to me. my current psychiatrist is okay, but i feel that it's all business with him and he doesn't particularly spend enough of our 15-20 minute med check getting to know me. lol. i guess i want to work with someone who doesn't mind if i express concerns about side-effects or concerns about anything, someone who asks a bit more questions, just someone i feel more comfortable talking with overall.

other news is i'm unemployed again. i announced last week that i wasn't returning to the temp job just in time to find out that the company i was temping for didn't want me to come back anyway. i think it's their way of getting back at me for quitting. lol. they said i didn't have good customer skills, i wasn't a good fit in terms of my personality, and i wasn't friendly. i couldn't believe the unfriendly part of it. i think i am a friendly enough person. i guess i just wasn't friendly enough for them. oh well. i am back to job hunting. in fact, i have a test for a data entry position on tuesday. it's a city job, so i suppose there will be good benefits involved. i don't know what kind of job i want, all i know is i need one so i can pay my bills and one day get back on my feet again.

at least i am writing and hopefully something good will come out of me writing. i would love to one day make a living as a writer. i hate working day jobs. they are so boring and unimaginative. and i hate being pushed around. i just want my own little cube, computer, a place where i can put up my 365 dog days calendar and a potted plant. it is the holiday and i have nothing to do. i will probably just watch us open tennis, do some writing. i have been sticking somewhat to a partial south beach diet. i eat carbs for breakfast and lunch and at dinner i only eat salads or south beach diet food. i have lost a little weight. i am down to a size 12 again. i am fairly lonely but hope it will go away with time.

i read somewhere on the internet that borderline resolves itself with time and age. so the older you get, the less borderline you'll be. i hope that's true. i don't want to be borderline all my life. i used to think it was better to be bipolar than borderline, because you could at least medicate bipolar. most psych docs will tell you that you can't medicate borderline. so i guess my depression is pretty well medicated as i am not feeling suicidal at this moment. i was comparing the other day how i felt a year ago to how i feel now. a year ago, i was afraid of driving on the freeway because i had urges to crash my car. now i feel fairly secure of getting to my destination safely. i don't have those overwhelming feelings of hurting myself anymore. i don't feel that blackness of despair. i don't feel the emotional pain. although i do feel often sad and lonely and still miss my dr. rosse quite often.